Numb. Quiet. Gone.

I sit in Irish History class, and my teacher just sounds like a sound far in the distance. Now mind you I LOVE anything that has to do with Ireland. These past two months has felt like my eternal hell. My horomones have compacted my emotions so much. I tried the pill it made me ten times worse. I feel like I am going to loose my mind. Today I hardly talked to family or friends as I slinked my way into school. I have the constant thought that I should just forget everything, and quit while I am ahead. The events within the past few weeks have been way too much for me. School started, work piling up, break up with my boyfriend, my body adjusting to the pill. Way too much. I tried to explain he wont listen. That frustrates me. I am so lost, so confused, so numb. I felt like I have lost myself in all of this. My soul hurts. It pains me. The person I care for wants nothing to do with me. The work keeps piling. My horomones keep raging. Its like this war is going on withing myself and I cannot fight it. I want to go away. I want to go to him and cry my eyes out. I want to tell everyone how I feel without looking like I am a nut job. My friends don't look as me as one. I talk to the best friend daily. I just feel so lost, and now I lost my apetite. I have not eaten right in 2 weeks. I'm starting to loose my color. I look really thin. I was a bright spunky 20 year old and I felt within a few weeks I turned into a crying, lost young adult. I feel my body rebeling on me now. I feel like I am loosing this fight. I pray to God to help me. I pray to go God to help him understand what I am going through. I have lost all my faith in things now, and now I'm loosing hope.

Lost. Dazed. & Confused

Its been a week since my and my boyfriend ended things. I have cried everyday since then. Every morning I wake up thinking okay that was just a bad nightmare, but then reality sets in then the tears come. Some days I cry cause I miss him. Some days cause I miss him mom. Some day cause I miss his family. Some days because I miss the text messages, the hugs, the kisses, his laughter. I cry because I regret being upset, and not showing up to school the following Monday after our huge fight. He is confused I know he is. He keeps saying that we will never be past friends again, and that its for the best. I have been trying to cope with this. So far I have been doing a bad job. I cry every morning. I cry sometimes I fall asleep. I see him in school, and I try to hide my feelings but it doesnt work all the time. I simply don't know what to do anymore. I can use some help. I want to write him a letter, but Idk if that is the right thing. :/

PMS/PMDD is it a condition or an excuse?

Yes ladies you know it. Two weeks or a week prior before you wear the adult diaper for about a week you get your signs. Bloating, weight gain, swore breasts, fevers, chills, anxiety, anger, and the list goes on. When you lash out on people some people (especially women) are empathetic because of course they go through the same thing. Others (usually men) say its an excuse, but is PMS really an excuse? I went to webmd.com for my answers.
According to webmd.com PMS is defined as the following:

PMS is women can occur as early as their teenage years throughout the few years before menopause. PMS or Premenstrual Syndrome takes place within the days or weeks before your actual period. PMS comes from the hormonal changes within the body. For many doctors, PMS is a mystery. Well doctors are supposed to know everything right? Wrong. They do not fully understand why a woman would have PMS (besides the hormones) , or why some women have more severe symptoms than others. What the doctors do know that PMS is genetic. SO if someone in your family sufferers from PMS they is a more likely chance you will as well.

Now I know you ladies know the symptoms of PMS but here is the list of the symptoms:

• Acne
  
• Bloating
  
• Tender breasts
• Food Cravings
  
• Cramps
  
• Headache
  
• Low Back Pain
  
• Anxiety
  
• Less Alert
  
• Wanting to be aloof
• Hostility
  

Now I know there are some ladies that think you may not have PMS at all. If you suffer from any of those of those symptoms you MAY have PMS. You can do what is recommended by doctors and keep track of your PMS with a journal. If you really think you have it, the journal would help doctors diagnose it. Now if you symptoms are more severe such as this list:

• suicidal,
  
• Despair, anxiety
• Diarrhea
• Mood Swings, Crying
• Lasting anger or irritability, unable to see the pain you put others due to outbursts
• Apathy in relationships, and daily activities
  
• fatigue
• binge eating/food cravings
  
• Insomnia/Hyperinsomia (Over tired a lot of sleep)

• physical symptoms: bloating, heart palpitations, breast tenderness, headaches, joint or muscle pain, swollen face
• Increased need of emotional closeness

You may have PMDD or Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder. PMDD is the severe case of PMS. It is a rarity among women. Only 3%-8% of women have this disorder. These symptoms may also appear in women who simply have PMS, but what makes PMS and PMDD different is the ability to carry on with life. With PMDD the symptoms are so debilitating, that women with the disorder can not carry out their normal life activities for up to two weeks before their initial bleeding. These symptoms goes away usually the day before of the the day of bleeding.

How do you treat PMS or PMDD? Many doctors suggest a change of diet, such as no caffeine and sugars, may help with the severity of the symptoms. Doctors also suggest to get adequate exercise, and also to take B6 Vitamin, calcium, and magnesium pills to help with the symptoms. For PMS sufferers medications may be given to you. Doctors may give you anti-depressant, or birth control to help with your PMS symptoms. The anti-depressant will help with your mental state while you menstruate, and the birth control will help with the horomones that are released while ovulating and menstruating. For PMDD sufferers however, doctors tend to give you the same treatments as they would for the PMS patients. Many of these treatments may not work for everyone. You should pick a treatment that is suitable for you. In fact, the vitamins that doctors suggest, yes your B6, calcium, and magnesisum vitamins, are not even linked to helping with PMS or PMDD symptoms. So why even suggest it? They are doctors, and they just love giving you an excuse to pop pills.

So ladies the next time you go bonkers on your friends, family, and significant others you can actually say "IT'S NOT AN EXCUSE ITS A TRUE CONDITION." For men do not say its an excuse because if you look it up it has its own section in the medicine books and medicine websites.

For more info check out:
http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/premenstrual-dysphoric-disorder
http://women.webmd.com/guide/premenstrual-syndrome

One Week Later

One week later....
Last week things fell apart. I learned (of course the hard way amidst the warnings) that posting certain things online can get you in heap in trouble. I bought my journal from Barnes and Nobles to help me with my emotions when they are extreme. I did what I had to do. I repsonded to letters, blocked and deleted people, and I feel much better. I am not 100%. I am still hurting a bit. Accusations that I have never heard from people I have heard last week. I cried only a few tears. Thats it. I wanted to burn everything, but no no I am no pyrotechnic. I learned that putting my true feelings out there just makes you the ultimate bitch although you were being honest and truthful. I know I was wrong in certain aspects. I try to be a good friend. I really do. I try be there for people, and people who knows me can vouche for me. It just hurts that you can get shot down to hell for what you thought was a friendship, but it was a friendship shot down right to hell. Its whatever. I am missing the friendship less and less each day. There are moments I have a relapse and I think of what we would do. Its hard. The tears fill up my eyes and the lump comes, but yet the tears don't fall. I know this is for the better. I have to learn to ignore unsaid party at school within the next few weeks. Its going to be hard, but I'll do what I gotta do. I am not a perfect person, but I try be there for my friends whenever, whatever. (Haha Thanks Shakira)

PS On a side note I am learning how to sing Selena's song Fotos Y Recuerdos (Photos and Memories) in Spanish and English. I have the Spanish down pact except for one phrase, but singing the translation is hard!

If Had A Million dollars... Group Blog with Steph in the city

iF ifhad a billion dollars WHATTTT Oh man I would do so much you like:











i would save money for a house. Put money towards my degrees. Go to Ireland, Paris, London, and Haiwaii, and of course my cars!

Unchained Melody

Unchained Melody.. Yes I know it is a song from the '60's. Last night a chained of events happened. On facebook I posted a note. The directions said list 10 things that you want to tell people, but you haven't gotten to the chance to say. So of course people who knows my situation and have read my blogs knows some of the obvious answers I put up. I knew that I wanted only certain people to see it so I tagged people and did the blocking list accordingly so the people who were tagged can view the note. Originally I tagged the girl who you guys know I am talking about because I wanted her to see how I felt. On a friend's suggestion I untagged her. Now like an idiot I forgot to block her. SO of course guess what she saw it. I was most shocked that she actually stood up to me. Then again it was behind a computer screen, but she stood up to me. I respect her for that. She wrote a lengthy private message which angered me, hurt me, and of course saddened me. I was very upset that she felt that I was using her and took advantage of her- sidenote she read my blogs on here as well as my tweets I think. She listened to that friend who I really DO NOT LIKE. That she bought me things which were uncessary. That hurt me. That took the cake. Her bf had the nerve to call me an untrue friend. I have always tried to be there for her. Always. I know that I d0 not have much money so I repaid in my friendship. I STILL REMEMBER THE DAY SHE WAS HUNGRY. WE WERE IN GLOBAL ECO CLASS TOGTHER. I HAD A LITTLE MONEY. ON OUR BREAK FROM THE CLASS (it was 3 hrs) I STILL MANAGED TO GET SNACKS SO SHE WOULDN'T FEEL WEAK FROM HUNGER. OH THAT HURTS ME TO BE CALLED A MOOCHER. It hurts my pride as an independent person. You think I like being an invalid? Money makes people ugly. I am convinced now. Relationships change people. I saw my sweet best friend turn into a cold hearted monster. I know she reads this so I am limiting my words, but I am not going to swallow my words. My life has truly turned into a Degrassi episode. I was told I would be Emma. I like Emma :)

PS Look out for my next post: Spanking... Is it good or bad in disciplining children?

Dating- Outside of your race... Is it still taboo?

As everyone knows and has seen my boyfriend is white. He is Irish, hails from Ireland itself, and looks like the stereotypical Irish person - red/ginger hair, green eyes, and tons of freckles. I get teased by mom, lovingly, that I date a white guy. She always encouraged to date someone because I like them not because of my race. Nowadays dating out the race boundary is more accepted, but I still think it is taboo to some people. As everyone who knows me I am Black and Hispanic. My mom hails from Guyana and my dad hails from Puerto Rico. I have permanent tan complexion and I do have the common black nose and I have the nappy hair, but its permed. Whenever I am out with Rob on the subway going to the city I feel the stares penetrating my skin. Of course the stares come from the black guys who are sporting the doo-rag, latest fashion clothes, and sneakers, and their pants below their waist so you can see their boxers. I can tell that they are hating on my boyfriend because he is with me and he is white. To those black guys they believe that he is stealing the good black girls who aren't ghetto from them. I remember the day I had a brunch at school in Brooklyn because I was in the SGA for school last year. My boyfriend despises driving so we took the subway down to Bay Ridge. On our way back from the brunch guys were just looking at me and then him, black guys btw in the same description as before, and shaking their heads, or muttering damn, or muttering what they would do to me if they were with me. One guy congratulated my bf and said "You are lucky." He replied thanks and kept it moving.
What is even worse for me is when I tell my friends in my hood, who are black, that my boyfriend is white. My female friends tease me of course, but tell me as long as he treats you right you are good. My male friends however its a different story. They will always say: "Why are you dating a white boy for?" "White guys are so whack." "Why date him when you can be with me? Some nice chocolate." This is always followed by a laugh then them probably popping their collars or dusting their shoulders off because their "swag." I tell them its what attractive for me so don't feel bad. Then of course they will ask "So what about me how do I look?" I'll them they look aight and they get upset. I always have to tell them well you guys are like my family so I do not look at you in that aspect. They still get upset. Sometimes I feel I can never please guys in the black race. I think this is part of the reason why I ended dating Hispanic or White men. What takes the cake is when my cousin who is the same age as me found out that my boyfriend is white. He said the same thing my friends said. He even suggested me dating his best friends. I told him "Why would I do that? Those are your friends. If we break up then that is the end of your friendship too." He left me alone, but I feel like he is waiting for my boyfriend to slip up so he can say "I told you you should have dated a black guy."

One of my friends dates a black man. Her boyfriend is pretty cool, and I like him as cool peoples. Now this friend is of Irish/Italian descent, and he is of Bajan descent. Her boyfriend is well groomed, not ghetto, dresses nice, and is on the buff side. She was telling me whenever she goes out with him places the hoodrat/ghetto girls (the girls with the door knocker earrings, latest fashions, long nails, and horrible slang broken English) would stare not only her down, but stare him down as well. Those girls feel that they should date him because he is part of the 20% of refined black men and not part of the 80% ghetto men that treat black girls wrong.

20% refined black men, you ask? A study was done recently, where within the study, it was discussed why educated black women tend to date outside their race. As more black women are going onto earning college degrees and their masters in various fields they are looking for men who are on the same intellectual path as them. The men who they are surrounded by are white and asian men. Its rare to see a black or hispanic man on that intellectual path. Now I am not saying they don't show up in those intellectual at all. There are some, you just don't see as many minority males as you should be seeing.

So those black and Hispanic men are in the 20% of refined men in their race. The other 80% are in gangs, dropped out of college, ghetto, or in jail for a crime they have committed. Women wants a man that can provide for themselves and their families. Seeing those type guys for some women, or most women, are a turn off. They don't want a man who is basically a bum. Now going back to the educated black women. They of course will be turned off by ghetto men. They will want someone who can keep up with him in conversation and to make a living not someone living off welfare and not doing anything else with themselves. Also since these women are around the Asian and White men more they tend to dating and marrying them.
So you may ask now what is the hell is the point of this blog. My point is their is still a taboo of people dating outside their race. Yes it is accepted by most people nowadays, but they are still those believe that is such taboo. This holds true espeically in the Black race. They believe that Blacks shouldn't date outside their race, and thinks it is wrong for women and men to do so. Women espeically. Honestly women.. would you date a man who is on welfare and not trying to better himself, or a man who is educated like you are and can keep up with you. NOW I am not saying to look down on people who are on welfare. Some people need the help, but those men who are just taking the money and not trying to find a job or go to school not the type of men women are looking for. Some women are satisfied with these men, but not the majority.
What is your take on this topic?

Is Interracial Dating Still Taboo?