Men. The anguish they give me.

People who are close to me know that I am always complaining or whining about men all the time. Everyone has their opinions about men. What is my opinion you may ask? All men are the same. They all think the same, and act the same. They are selfish and only thinks about themselves. I know that they all aren't the same, but the men I have been dealing with have fed into my opinion. Many have said to me to change the type of men that I look into. I have tried. Trust me I have, but somehow I always end up in the same trap. My resentment for men has gotten so bad nowadays that last week I continually cursed all my male friends, and took a trip up to Westchester where I walked through a couple towns via the Bronx. My best friend thinks I have a build up of resentment because I am not fully over my ex. I still to this day wear the chain he got me from Ireland one year ago this summer. My soror sister told me to get rid of it when we were hanging out Saturday, but I cannot part with the chain yet. The only time I take it off is if I am going some where fancy, or I am going to the hairdresser. Everyone who knows me or have seen me in pictures knows how the chain looks like. My ex fed into my opinion this weekend. He drunks texts me saying how he misses me, and the next day when I offered to hang out he refuses to hang out with me thinking it is best. My sis thinks he upset at himself for breaking up with me, but honestly he could have stayed with me because I remember begging to work it out with him. At my young age of 21 I am constantly either either very ecstatic when it comes to men or depressed to the point I just wanna walk very far as far as I can. I know I am young and I have virtually a lot of my life left in front of me, but I seriously feel pressured by my family. Right now as much as I envision myself in a wedding dress and the whole nine yards I feel honestly that isn't going happen.

My not so tender love story

During my first year of college I began to become more aware of astrology. Before this I was aware that I am a Taurus because my birthday in May. My former best friend was really good at astrology and because of this she sparked my interested in astrology. I used to read her books about astrology and descriptions of my birthdate. I do fit most of the descriptions of my sign. When I broke up with my most recent ex in September I remember just buying books in Barnes & Nobles on my credit card just to distract myself from the pain I had. One book I picked up was a small tiny book about Taurus. Within this small tiny book, you can fit it in any pocketbook it is so tiny, it describes the Taurus' personna, tendencies, and how they are in love. The book also broke down on how Taurus would be in intimate relationships with other signs. Reading from my former best friend's books it said my best match was a Virgo. This book said the same.

Now the situation with one of my friends, well is he my friend right now? I don't even know, made me refer to my book as soon as I found he was a Virgo. My long fingers scrambled through the tiny book's pages for the comparasions with my sign with a Virgo. I found it within seconds and there its read as

Taurus with Virgo

Harmonious in the extreme- A very tender love story.

I read it I was hm this may be a good thing. I will finally get my break after having a rough year and half. Not so. Whatever this story between my friend and I is everything but a tender love story. Ever since he told me about his ex every time I talk to him on the phone it seems I am crying about he just left me for seconds. He always brings up that I was second to my guy best friend, who I am not even friends with at this point, and I was basically second. It is true I did have him second. I didn't expect to like him , and I didn't want to like him, but I ended up doing so and it is leaving more miserable. I am miserable because he is giving her a second chance. That second chance leaves even our friendship on the line. If she is the jealous person he told me she was I know tonight will be last time I talk to him for a very long time. I started back class yesterday and as my friends asked me about how was my vacation I felt so happy explaining about him. I showed them his picture on my BlackBerry, I explained what things he has done to me, the nice things he said to me, how he took me home all the time. I told him all about that last night as I am sobbing my eyes out and coughing from the combination of crying and catching a cold. Before I went to sleep I read him that very same description and he was like I can make it a tender love story because I said with an attitude this does not sound like a love story its a love story my ass. Him saying that just caused me to snap back, but you aren't because you are going to go back with her and its just going to work out because that is how my luck works out. So tender love story. Not so. It doesn't seem like that right now, and it seems not ever. It just looks like I have to settle for whatever I get from now on. My heart tells me to wait and it is said that you should listen to you heart. I am starting to second guess that thought because it seems like I am going to hurt myself waiting, but good things come to those who wait. Love stories aren't tender. They are full of bitchassness. Just pure bitchassness.

Ask me if I give a ___ ? Apparently I do....

I am an avid tweeter (you know a person who uses twitter.) Everyday twitter has a trending topic on the sidebar that many of its uses tweets about. They take that trending topic and insert it into their tweet. For example one of the trending topics (which is the reason why I am writting this blog) is #askmeifIgiveafuck. A person who tweets using this trending topic will make a tweet like this:

#askmeifIgiveafuck about you.

So am I referring to you may ask? It would be my former best friend. Last year at this time I was still friends with her. I would have been at the time probably up talking to her on aim about a random conversation because that we two girls did. We always told each other we loved each other and we are sister and and friends forever. You know like when you are five years old in kindergarten and your best friend is the whole entire class. I met her my freshman year of college, and she was the white version of me, or so I would thought. It was around this time last year which began the beginning of the demise of our friendship. It was around this time last year I am remembering now is when her now boyfriend was constantly bugging me to get a date with her. This point last year truth be told is when my life began to enter the hell I am now trying to get out of now. Now this girl has done so much BAD for me. I have been told she is toxic and she needs to be cut off, but of course hippie who loves EVERYONE tried to keep her in my life. I fought so hard to make things right after our altercation. Everything was almost as where it was, but since she had her man in her life, who basically took over her life, I was just a little rag doll left in the cold. As year rolled on things got really bad and came to where we are no longer friends. So ask me if I give a fuck about you. My answer is yes. I loved that girl like she was my blood sister. I even admit I treated her better than my dear best friend madame Angeli Starr Martinez. I gave her my love, time, and effort to make sure I was the bestest friend she ever can have. I woke her up in the morning, I made sure she had her work, I even got her the MAN. I did so much for her, and for her to end our friendship by calling the cops on me and say that I did things that I never did is a slap to my face. Do I still give a fuck about her... YES. I still love her with all my heart. Every now and again I still ask people if she alright. This is the year where I begin to put a stop to useless loves like I have for her, but I don't know there is something in me that is not letting go. There is something inside of me that continues to say wait to do not give up. I just don't know why though. So ask me if I give a fuck about her. I say yes. She was my best friend and I have undying love. I know yippie go me... not!