Another Letter from the Heart

Finals week is finally here. I was studying for my American Foreign Policy class when my ex decided to text me about a question that is on my final. This one text led to a whole conversation. I went from feeling quite okay to depressed within minutes. I am doing all I can to fight the urge to cry. I was hungry. I promised myself that I would eat as soon as I finished a question I promised a friend I would do. My appetite disappeared. It felt like 3 months of sadness just came flooding to me. Three months of regretting going crazy on him. He asked me out of curiosity of what I would have gotten for his birthday. I told him exactly what I would have done: Rock Band Beatles edition for the xbox, the cake I said I wouldn't have baked, and tons of hugs and kisses. He kept on talking how he doesn't want to be single anymore and how he wants a nice girl that wouldn't go crazy on him. I am so much calmer now. I feel like a child on ritialin. I have been pretty much chill since my body got used to the pill. I am on a higher dosage and my pms is close to gone. I have tried to move on. I have tried dating, but nothing ever feels right. My heart is still clung to him. So many people are just like forget it- it is no use of trying to get back with him. Others say I should try. If you want him you should get him. I was used to be so sure of what I wanted to do, but now I am confused. I keep telling people that I am just going to end up a cat lady. Men are so overrated I would go onto to say. People who know me know deep down I am just sad still three months later. I know I sound pretty pathetic- a Sandra Dee of some sorts. He was a hopeless romantic and hopelessly devoted. I do not know why I would not let go. Many say its because I refuse to. I am going to write him a letter and give it to him during our psychology final. Its the only way for me to get some dignity back in my life. For three months I have been depressed, and I feel like it is getting worse. Being love struck isn't as nice as Disney made it to be.

Guardian Angels

Taking a moment before I go to bed and red my lovely Irish History book...

Two months later and I am still a hopeless romantic- Hopelessly Devoted to You... thank you Grease. I still believe that my ex and I will get back together. Maybe because I am a ball full of optimism, and I believe that things will work out for the best. Not to be creepy or crazy sounding, but have you every felt that your past relatives visits you from time to time? I have two that comes to me- my brother and my cousin. My brother Angel was the oldest of my Garcia clan. He died when I was seven from a asthma attack that turned into cardiac arrest. He was about 25 years of age when he passed. I feel that he is with me constantly. Especially when I am in deep anguish and crying relentlessly. When I was small child he would come to visit me and play with me. I would go to his house from time to time to play with him and my neices and nephew (his children). He used to spoil me rotten because I was his baby sister. When I broke up with my ex about two months ago I remember one day I was crying on my bed for a few hours when all of a sudden I felt a hand on my back. The hand was on the middle of my back. When I felt that I stopped crying right away. I sat up looking around to see if someone had came into the room, but I couldn't hear because I was crying so much. When I sat up I saw nothing, but I heard someone whisper in my ear in a male's voice... something close to my father's voice... that everything is going to be alright. You are crying now, but soon he will be back and it will be better than ever. The cynincal would say it is probably your subconscience mind making yourself feel better by being optimistic. I am pretty sure throughout my tough situations my brother is there guiding me. If Angel (ha very ironic) was alive today he would have been close to 40. I probably would have been going to him for wisdom anyways. With the whole situation with the girl he told me that will be alright as well. She would come back to me, BUT do not accept her into my life. He told me she isn't good for me at all. He said I can keep contact, but keep it that way until she shows that she is worthy of being a good friend.
Over the summer I had a scare. I found my lump in my lower region as I was showering one day. I was very very scared and I had no idea what to do. At first I did not tell anyone because I was in so much fear. I remember laying in bed one day and again I felt the hand on my back. Again I sat up looked around thinking I fell asleep and my mom was trying to wake me up because she needed something from me. I looked around and nothing. Then the voice started talking. It was my cousin Cecelia. My cousin Cecelia died 2 years ago this summer. She had pancreatic cancer and she left behind her husband, and 2 daughters. One of the daughters is my godsister. She told me not to worry. I simply have a small hair bump or cysts and I will be totally fine. So said so done. I went to the doctor that week, and I did just have a hair bump underneath my skin. I still had fear that it was something serious, I even spoke to one 0f my friends about it. I believe I had the fear because I doubted the fact that I heard my cousin. I remember earlier this year I told that girl about people coming to me, but again I doubted them.
Just this past week I was the stagehand for my school's production of "The Crucible." During one of the shows we were talking about our encounters with Angels, spirits, and ghosts... well they fall into the same category. It was then I was to believe that yes these things do happen, and I am not the only one. It is the creepiest thing sometimes, but at the same time it is cool. When you talk to people who do not get these experiences you sound crazy, but when you do its like "OMG YOU TOO?!"
I think it is very interesting. Some people believe, and some don't. What I do want to say to my brother and my cousin is thank you for guiding me. I never should have doubted you two, and I love you very much. I wish you were still here in person so I could have seen you physically. You are truly my Guardian Angels.

What 2009 means to me

2009 is not my favorite year at all. This was my year of constant anguish and constant drama. There are some weeks where everyday I have something going on. It never cease to end sometimes. I feel like if I can rewind all the way back to January there would be a ton of stuff I wouldn't have done and stuff I would have done. I started my new year with friends. Yes that was really fun. I was also fighting with one of my best friends and basically lost that friendship almost. His now ex called me a racial slur, and he backed her in the blindness of love. I was upset, but I let it go. I hooked up my former best friend with a guy which now I truly regret and I sleep with that regret day in and day out. I was so blinded by his "greatness" and I didn't see the flaws for that sweet girl. Well kissed todaloo to that sweet girl cause she turned into a bitch. Then again was she ever that sweet girl to begin with? In April I had a boyfriend which lasted me all summer. It is fair to say he was my love of my life. Yes I know it was 5 months, but I adore him and still do. I still can get myself to tear up about that boy. Then a month later after I broke up with my ex (whom I am still friends with) my former best friend calls the cops on me saying I have stalked her and harassed her. STALKING AND HARASSMENT! Yes you have seen right. I do not know why she thinks she is the Princess of New York, but honey you aren't. Right before school started her fb got hacked and her username got switched with mine. Everyone who sided with her assumed I did it. There were few people who knew I couldn't do such a thing and some who asked. At first I was kind of upset they asked, but now I am glad they did because they heard my side of it. I was stood up buy a jerk after he said lets hang out. Instead of telling me oh I am hanging with my ex tonight he called me stupid, psycho, and I needed therepy. An ex of mine may have just used me as a hit and quit it. He is probably too busy chasing the hot girls as most guys do. Now its November... 2009 is almost done. As much as I want to say good riddance to this year I have learned a lot this year. You can't call everyone your best friend because some of those same people you call your best friend can back stab you. Not all guys are understanding about female hormones. Some people who you thought would be the jerkish type are. Most guys are the same- they will tell you oh yea i like you just to get some and leave you wondering. People keep telling me that I shouldn't look for guys, but I haven't been looking seriously since I broke up with my ex. Most of these guys came to me- the jerk that stood me up, the guy who hit it and quit it (actually he was an ex of mine), and this crazy older guy. Oh lemme explain about this one. I met him through the hit and quit it guy. Apparently he dated a school mate of mine and he is going crazy because they broke up after five years. He also apparently spat on her and also mugged her. He wanted me to help him get her back, but I don't know her to talk her on a regular basis. He was supposed to help me get the hit or quit it guy. At first he told me oh yeah the hit and quit it guy does like me and he is gonna help me. Then all of a sudden he was like oh he doesnt like you. Lets go to a club. I asked if the hit it and quit it guy was going to go and he got mad saying "you are gonna go because of that cornball? You are that type of girl? He don't want you." When I told him I didn't believe him he got upset and I hung up on him. I am still trying avoid his old ass. So yes this was my 2009. It is almost over. I have a whole month left for stuff to happen, and yes I guarantee you that stuff will happen. Its my life and things just tend to happen to me as of late.

Buziness!

Hey guys sorry I have been slacking on here.
School is a full time job! Argh!
Catch you guys soon.

Approximately One Month Later

Its almost a month later. I have been doing a lot better. I have been scoping out people, and have been doing the dating thing a little. I see him in school everyday, and we talk so that does ease my woes. I haven't cried in about 2 weeks. I have finally learned to accept what has happened. Yes I still have days where I miss him like crazy- like today. My eyes filled with tears as I watch Degrassi as I am relaxing before my study sessions. The character Johnny Di Marco reminded me so much of him, and I miss him right now. I will go through this occasionally and then it goes away. There was a day last week when I was talking to him, and I was so tempted to hug him but I didn't. I know one day I will have a hug from him, but I think now its too soon. I am glad I am doing better and I am excited for my small dates and hangouts I will be having pretty soon :)

Numb. Quiet. Gone.

I sit in Irish History class, and my teacher just sounds like a sound far in the distance. Now mind you I LOVE anything that has to do with Ireland. These past two months has felt like my eternal hell. My horomones have compacted my emotions so much. I tried the pill it made me ten times worse. I feel like I am going to loose my mind. Today I hardly talked to family or friends as I slinked my way into school. I have the constant thought that I should just forget everything, and quit while I am ahead. The events within the past few weeks have been way too much for me. School started, work piling up, break up with my boyfriend, my body adjusting to the pill. Way too much. I tried to explain he wont listen. That frustrates me. I am so lost, so confused, so numb. I felt like I have lost myself in all of this. My soul hurts. It pains me. The person I care for wants nothing to do with me. The work keeps piling. My horomones keep raging. Its like this war is going on withing myself and I cannot fight it. I want to go away. I want to go to him and cry my eyes out. I want to tell everyone how I feel without looking like I am a nut job. My friends don't look as me as one. I talk to the best friend daily. I just feel so lost, and now I lost my apetite. I have not eaten right in 2 weeks. I'm starting to loose my color. I look really thin. I was a bright spunky 20 year old and I felt within a few weeks I turned into a crying, lost young adult. I feel my body rebeling on me now. I feel like I am loosing this fight. I pray to God to help me. I pray to go God to help him understand what I am going through. I have lost all my faith in things now, and now I'm loosing hope.

Lost. Dazed. & Confused

Its been a week since my and my boyfriend ended things. I have cried everyday since then. Every morning I wake up thinking okay that was just a bad nightmare, but then reality sets in then the tears come. Some days I cry cause I miss him. Some days cause I miss him mom. Some day cause I miss his family. Some days because I miss the text messages, the hugs, the kisses, his laughter. I cry because I regret being upset, and not showing up to school the following Monday after our huge fight. He is confused I know he is. He keeps saying that we will never be past friends again, and that its for the best. I have been trying to cope with this. So far I have been doing a bad job. I cry every morning. I cry sometimes I fall asleep. I see him in school, and I try to hide my feelings but it doesnt work all the time. I simply don't know what to do anymore. I can use some help. I want to write him a letter, but Idk if that is the right thing. :/