The love that has never left me... in over 5 years

My best guy friend and I have been friends for now five years. We met through myspace because I thought he attended a youth conference in the summer of 2004. I was looking for people who attended the conference when he popped up. I thought he did, and added him. We started talking from then. He was 15 too and also was a rising sophomore. Thing is he didn't go. Unlike my school, who took everyone who wanted go which was only like 15 of us, his school did not take everyone who was part of the community service youth group (Lasallian Youth- Faith, Service, & Community! Our slogan!) So we started talking and he haven't stopped since. For the next two years we talked all the time. Sometimes everyday, but mostly on weekends when we were home from school. Between junior and senior years we sorta lost contact. I was always wrapped up in a boyfriend during high school, and I guess that took up my time. We always wanted to meet up, but since we were so young our parents wouldn't let us leave the house to hang out. The winter of our senior year had a girlfriend. That is when we started to talk again. He was in love and he was happy. I was happy for him. I had a boyfriend at the time, but that ended during the holidays. Fast forward to our freshman year of college. Our second semester was the first time we met each other. We met each other and they was an attraction there. You felt the tension as we met each other face to face and ate together. That night led to us hooking up, and a hardship for our friendship. He told his girlfriend at the time what had happened, and I had to deal for a year of her hating me, not wanting him to talk to me, or ever seeing me again. We still remained friends, and he continued to date her while i found myself other guys. We had a special love for each other, but we just kept it under wraps just so other problems wouldn't arise. Last year around this time I wasn't even friends with him really. We went on a date last year because his girlfriend at the time said he could. Well that turned into a huge fight which turned into me loosing him. I was all choked up about it, but I learned to deal. He broke up with that girlfriend in the beginning of this year. She left him saying she didn't want him anymore. One day while I was at school practicing a little before his birthday in February I sent him an IM saying hello. He told me what happened, and we patched up our friendship. I started dating my ex and he started dating another girl ( who now is his ex). At first he would always complain about she does this and she does that. I remember his other best friend and I telling him and asking him why he was with her. This summer we hung out a few times, and this fall I even met his girlfriend. She was pretty nice, but you can see at times she was immature. She is fresh out of high school.

How does this translate into today- here in now?

He recently broke up with that girlfriend. So of course we have been talking. We haven't stopped talking since we picked back up in February. For the first time I told him how much I loved him. He told me not too long ago that last year he was in love with me as well as he his other girlfriend. We both realized that we love each other still. We both are so special to each other, and place each other in high regards. They were many a time I wanted to cut him off because he would be such an asshole, but when it all comes down to it he is the only guy that hasn't left me. He made me realize that I have loved him for at least three years. My love for him did become an issue, but after I saw nothing was going to happen I just suppressed it, and dated my ex. He always would go I am not your boyfriend, and I would tell him I DONT WANT YOU TO BE! Now that we have the perfect opportunity we have hit that crossroad. Should we or should we not? I am willing to give it a shot, but he is afraid of ruining our friendship. We have such a great connection, and we are more alike than different. I am little taller than him, and I am black, but hey its just dating. Well he is still my bestie and that is awesome, but I have always wondered... what if we do date? Would he be the love of my life?

The story of the mishap professor

As a semester is coming to a close I thought I would look back at this memorable semester. Trust me this semester was memorable. This semester I had to take the class Adolescent Psychology to fulfill my secondary education requirement. I remember looking at the class description as I registered last semester and saying I know this why the hell I have to take this class. Well anyways fast forward to September and its time for me to take this class. So I went to class with my friends and my boyfriend at the time to go to this class. We saw that the professor we were supposed to have was taken off our schedule and we had this new unheard of professor. Well okay we all thought let us meet this man or lady. Well after realizing there was a classroom change we finally made it to the right classroom which was filled with familiar smiling faces, but no professor. We all thought well it is a new professor and probably got lost on the campus (mind you my campus is very small we only have about 600 students.) We gave the benefit of the doubt and waited a few minutes. 5 minutes turned into 10 and that turned into 15. The rule of the college is that students are to wait 15 for a regular professor and 20 for a professor who is a doctor. Well we did not know if the professor was a doctor or not we quickly made an attendance list and sent it to the registrar and left. We all thought well I guess we won't meet this mysterious new professor until that Tuesday. Boy were we wrong. This professor didn't show again that Tuesday. We started to get upset and complained to the registrar. We also went to the dean of students to complain and she promised this would be all resolved. That Thursday sure enough our professor showed up... late of course. We found out that it was a she. Judging from her last name I thought she would have been Polish looking (you know blonde hair, blue eyes, snow white skin with pink undertones), but she was nothing of the sort. She looked mixed beyond belief. So I figured it was her marriage name or something. She was a little taller than me (I am 5'5 1/2 so I guess 5'7) had frizzy brown curly hair, green colored eyes, fake eye lashes. She looked like she just threw an outfit together and she looked so unorganized. We all looked at each other and thought "Oh boy what a semester we are in for." She introduced herself and we found out she was a doctor and a practicing psychologist. She apologized for missing the first two classes, and proceeded to teach the class and it seemed like a disaster. Our syllabuses looked like it was slapped together, and I remember taking out a syllabus from another professor and it looked NOTHING like it. It had no breakdown, no detailed plans, no anything. We all had the same agitated look on our faces thinking on how long a semester it was going to be. As the semester went on we found out more about her. She was apparently a mutt. She had the entire UN in her blood, Venezuela, Austria, Irish, and yes indeed Poland, among others. She had came from a what seems a well to do family. Her father helped introduce the first ATM to America in the 1970's. She was in a top ballet company, and she also was an alternate for the US Olympic Gymnastics Team. Apparently she as a few siblings and she loved her father. She never talked about her mother. She always talked about the patients that she has treated or have come across. She told us that she was nearly raped by a good friend, she was almost mugged (she has a scar from it- well we don't know if that that incident or self inflicted) At some points of the class we knew more about her than the material of the class. As the semester rolled on she always came in sorta put together, but never fully. Then this one day she came in and looked really nice. She matched from head to toe. She had straighten her frizzy curls. She actually looked nice. I never saw her like that ever again. We would ask questions and she always answered them, but her answered turned into tangents of course. She told us during the semester that she was depressed, and it was like everything she did was not ever right, but she still tried. Then on the final day of class ( I was not present I had to attend a funeral) she poured her heart out. Apparently while she was writing her dissertation her dad was dying from cancer, her little niece was diagnosed with cancer, her brother was threatening to commit suicide, and the love her life for 10 years committed suicide. When I heard that I thought to myself well was she still standing? That is what I call strength. Well on Thursday was our final for that class. I had my little study group, the same group of friends I had on the first day of class, minus someone and added someone, and we walked into class and she was not there. We thought okay maybe she thinks the test starts at 1:40. Nope she didn't arrive so I went to complain. By the time that whole hoopla ended and she arrived at 2:00. She did not have our exams ready and had to leave the room to get them. I was so upset, but yet I still gave her a decent evaluation. The other night she said she would have our grades ready by Sunday night. It is now Monday night and I am grade less still. My professor is a very nice person to talk to. I feel like I can tell her anything. She is very smart, and she knows what she is talking about, BUT she is a terrible teacher. Apparently she teaches at another college and she has been teaching for 6 years. Oh boy. Well I will keep in contact with her because I would ask her questions every now and again, but wow what a semester I tell you and that is only ONE class!

Another Letter from the Heart

Finals week is finally here. I was studying for my American Foreign Policy class when my ex decided to text me about a question that is on my final. This one text led to a whole conversation. I went from feeling quite okay to depressed within minutes. I am doing all I can to fight the urge to cry. I was hungry. I promised myself that I would eat as soon as I finished a question I promised a friend I would do. My appetite disappeared. It felt like 3 months of sadness just came flooding to me. Three months of regretting going crazy on him. He asked me out of curiosity of what I would have gotten for his birthday. I told him exactly what I would have done: Rock Band Beatles edition for the xbox, the cake I said I wouldn't have baked, and tons of hugs and kisses. He kept on talking how he doesn't want to be single anymore and how he wants a nice girl that wouldn't go crazy on him. I am so much calmer now. I feel like a child on ritialin. I have been pretty much chill since my body got used to the pill. I am on a higher dosage and my pms is close to gone. I have tried to move on. I have tried dating, but nothing ever feels right. My heart is still clung to him. So many people are just like forget it- it is no use of trying to get back with him. Others say I should try. If you want him you should get him. I was used to be so sure of what I wanted to do, but now I am confused. I keep telling people that I am just going to end up a cat lady. Men are so overrated I would go onto to say. People who know me know deep down I am just sad still three months later. I know I sound pretty pathetic- a Sandra Dee of some sorts. He was a hopeless romantic and hopelessly devoted. I do not know why I would not let go. Many say its because I refuse to. I am going to write him a letter and give it to him during our psychology final. Its the only way for me to get some dignity back in my life. For three months I have been depressed, and I feel like it is getting worse. Being love struck isn't as nice as Disney made it to be.

Guardian Angels

Taking a moment before I go to bed and red my lovely Irish History book...

Two months later and I am still a hopeless romantic- Hopelessly Devoted to You... thank you Grease. I still believe that my ex and I will get back together. Maybe because I am a ball full of optimism, and I believe that things will work out for the best. Not to be creepy or crazy sounding, but have you every felt that your past relatives visits you from time to time? I have two that comes to me- my brother and my cousin. My brother Angel was the oldest of my Garcia clan. He died when I was seven from a asthma attack that turned into cardiac arrest. He was about 25 years of age when he passed. I feel that he is with me constantly. Especially when I am in deep anguish and crying relentlessly. When I was small child he would come to visit me and play with me. I would go to his house from time to time to play with him and my neices and nephew (his children). He used to spoil me rotten because I was his baby sister. When I broke up with my ex about two months ago I remember one day I was crying on my bed for a few hours when all of a sudden I felt a hand on my back. The hand was on the middle of my back. When I felt that I stopped crying right away. I sat up looking around to see if someone had came into the room, but I couldn't hear because I was crying so much. When I sat up I saw nothing, but I heard someone whisper in my ear in a male's voice... something close to my father's voice... that everything is going to be alright. You are crying now, but soon he will be back and it will be better than ever. The cynincal would say it is probably your subconscience mind making yourself feel better by being optimistic. I am pretty sure throughout my tough situations my brother is there guiding me. If Angel (ha very ironic) was alive today he would have been close to 40. I probably would have been going to him for wisdom anyways. With the whole situation with the girl he told me that will be alright as well. She would come back to me, BUT do not accept her into my life. He told me she isn't good for me at all. He said I can keep contact, but keep it that way until she shows that she is worthy of being a good friend.
Over the summer I had a scare. I found my lump in my lower region as I was showering one day. I was very very scared and I had no idea what to do. At first I did not tell anyone because I was in so much fear. I remember laying in bed one day and again I felt the hand on my back. Again I sat up looked around thinking I fell asleep and my mom was trying to wake me up because she needed something from me. I looked around and nothing. Then the voice started talking. It was my cousin Cecelia. My cousin Cecelia died 2 years ago this summer. She had pancreatic cancer and she left behind her husband, and 2 daughters. One of the daughters is my godsister. She told me not to worry. I simply have a small hair bump or cysts and I will be totally fine. So said so done. I went to the doctor that week, and I did just have a hair bump underneath my skin. I still had fear that it was something serious, I even spoke to one 0f my friends about it. I believe I had the fear because I doubted the fact that I heard my cousin. I remember earlier this year I told that girl about people coming to me, but again I doubted them.
Just this past week I was the stagehand for my school's production of "The Crucible." During one of the shows we were talking about our encounters with Angels, spirits, and ghosts... well they fall into the same category. It was then I was to believe that yes these things do happen, and I am not the only one. It is the creepiest thing sometimes, but at the same time it is cool. When you talk to people who do not get these experiences you sound crazy, but when you do its like "OMG YOU TOO?!"
I think it is very interesting. Some people believe, and some don't. What I do want to say to my brother and my cousin is thank you for guiding me. I never should have doubted you two, and I love you very much. I wish you were still here in person so I could have seen you physically. You are truly my Guardian Angels.

What 2009 means to me

2009 is not my favorite year at all. This was my year of constant anguish and constant drama. There are some weeks where everyday I have something going on. It never cease to end sometimes. I feel like if I can rewind all the way back to January there would be a ton of stuff I wouldn't have done and stuff I would have done. I started my new year with friends. Yes that was really fun. I was also fighting with one of my best friends and basically lost that friendship almost. His now ex called me a racial slur, and he backed her in the blindness of love. I was upset, but I let it go. I hooked up my former best friend with a guy which now I truly regret and I sleep with that regret day in and day out. I was so blinded by his "greatness" and I didn't see the flaws for that sweet girl. Well kissed todaloo to that sweet girl cause she turned into a bitch. Then again was she ever that sweet girl to begin with? In April I had a boyfriend which lasted me all summer. It is fair to say he was my love of my life. Yes I know it was 5 months, but I adore him and still do. I still can get myself to tear up about that boy. Then a month later after I broke up with my ex (whom I am still friends with) my former best friend calls the cops on me saying I have stalked her and harassed her. STALKING AND HARASSMENT! Yes you have seen right. I do not know why she thinks she is the Princess of New York, but honey you aren't. Right before school started her fb got hacked and her username got switched with mine. Everyone who sided with her assumed I did it. There were few people who knew I couldn't do such a thing and some who asked. At first I was kind of upset they asked, but now I am glad they did because they heard my side of it. I was stood up buy a jerk after he said lets hang out. Instead of telling me oh I am hanging with my ex tonight he called me stupid, psycho, and I needed therepy. An ex of mine may have just used me as a hit and quit it. He is probably too busy chasing the hot girls as most guys do. Now its November... 2009 is almost done. As much as I want to say good riddance to this year I have learned a lot this year. You can't call everyone your best friend because some of those same people you call your best friend can back stab you. Not all guys are understanding about female hormones. Some people who you thought would be the jerkish type are. Most guys are the same- they will tell you oh yea i like you just to get some and leave you wondering. People keep telling me that I shouldn't look for guys, but I haven't been looking seriously since I broke up with my ex. Most of these guys came to me- the jerk that stood me up, the guy who hit it and quit it (actually he was an ex of mine), and this crazy older guy. Oh lemme explain about this one. I met him through the hit and quit it guy. Apparently he dated a school mate of mine and he is going crazy because they broke up after five years. He also apparently spat on her and also mugged her. He wanted me to help him get her back, but I don't know her to talk her on a regular basis. He was supposed to help me get the hit or quit it guy. At first he told me oh yeah the hit and quit it guy does like me and he is gonna help me. Then all of a sudden he was like oh he doesnt like you. Lets go to a club. I asked if the hit it and quit it guy was going to go and he got mad saying "you are gonna go because of that cornball? You are that type of girl? He don't want you." When I told him I didn't believe him he got upset and I hung up on him. I am still trying avoid his old ass. So yes this was my 2009. It is almost over. I have a whole month left for stuff to happen, and yes I guarantee you that stuff will happen. Its my life and things just tend to happen to me as of late.

Buziness!

Hey guys sorry I have been slacking on here.
School is a full time job! Argh!
Catch you guys soon.

Approximately One Month Later

Its almost a month later. I have been doing a lot better. I have been scoping out people, and have been doing the dating thing a little. I see him in school everyday, and we talk so that does ease my woes. I haven't cried in about 2 weeks. I have finally learned to accept what has happened. Yes I still have days where I miss him like crazy- like today. My eyes filled with tears as I watch Degrassi as I am relaxing before my study sessions. The character Johnny Di Marco reminded me so much of him, and I miss him right now. I will go through this occasionally and then it goes away. There was a day last week when I was talking to him, and I was so tempted to hug him but I didn't. I know one day I will have a hug from him, but I think now its too soon. I am glad I am doing better and I am excited for my small dates and hangouts I will be having pretty soon :)