This past week

Where have I been this past week? SCHOOL! Since school has started school has once again become my life. My thesis classes are so heavy. I have a professor who seems not to help us at all which it totally frustrating. I am like sir you are here to help us formulate and learn how to write a thesis, but you aren't doing any of that. Instead he just tells us figure out, or I can't help you, or find it yourself. This week I had my first Holocaust class since it is a once a week three hour class. I found out my professor who teaches us that class does the same thesis classes out on the Patchogue campus. I was brave enough to ask him in class. I am sure people's eyes almost came out the sockets when I asked, but he seems so much nicer and easier to approach than my current professor. I tried out for the school musical this week. This semester we are producing the 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee. I was on the fence for trying out, and Wednesday evening I did. At that point I was telling myself if I don't make then I wouldn't be upset because I have sorority stuff this semester as well as my thesis classes to occupy me and oh yes as well as dance and chorus. Then as I did the character portion of the tryouts I tried out as this girl who has a lisp and I fell in love with her. I got called back yesterday to tryout again. I certainly was not expecting to get a call back at all. I also participated in Rush Week. I am very nervous of trying to attempt everything and excel in everything. I will try write on here periodically so you guys can know I am alive, but before I go please wish me luck because this semester is the HELL semester.

I am a Venter

I use my blogspot mainly to vent. People take it the wrong way and think I am trying to malicious towards them, but I am really not. I use this space to pour my raw emotions so I can rid them in a safe way and I do not cause physical harm to myself. I have tried regular journals, but I am never really good at using them so this is what I use. I do have a private blog, but I tend to use this one better. I do post my blogs on twitter because I do want people to see what I write, but I am also seeking advice. Every now again I do write a blog about random things, but it is mainly about my emotions that I feel at that present time. Just because I write a blog and you just happen to fit the description of the blog does not mean that I am trying to disrespect you or make you sound like a bad person in any manner. I was probably most likely upset at the time and I wrote in my blog because it was the closet thing to me where I can lay out my emotions. I do not appreciate people seeing my blogs and then crying about what I said about them. If you truly have an issue about a blog that I have written you call me or you arrange a meeting spot we can meet up and we can talk about like adults. I know people say that putting my business out there on twitter and on here is the childish thing to do, but to be honest it is the best thing for me. I rather rant on here and or twitter than go and hurt someone physically. Now the person who I have been blogging about, yes I am making it obvious now because I am THAT ANGRY, texted me this morning about the stuff I have placed on twitter and what I have done on here. Yesterday on twitter I was not angry I was just emotionally confused... what I placed on here I was upset with him at the time and I vented on my blogger. I would like you guys to know after I placed those blogs up we cleared things up and we were on an okay note. Now he saw all the blogs and basically complained about what I said about him and now he is saying that his feelings has changed for me. All I want to be known is I was just upset when I wrote those blogs. I simply poured my feelings on here because its a good release skill for me and it works. I still liked you because those bad qualities were out-shined by the good. But seriously grow the HELL UP. I may post shit on here, but I am still willing to say what I gotta say to you and explain myself. I am not like you where you just send mad text messages and expect to cut off whatever you felt for me in that instant. Things do not happen that way and you clearly need to man up. Yeah you aren't for me right now because clearly you have some growing up to do and you are simply not up to my maturity level yet. I know I am not all that mature myself either, but when I have a problem or an issue with someone I try combatting it by talking to them. Talking clears up everything. If you are the man you said you are then you will take some days to think about it and then you will contact me. If you aren't the man you say you are you should just cut me off, do things with your ex, and then come back to me when shit hits the fan. I am willing to be your friend and talk things out, but if you want to shut off every bit of feeling you have towards me even friendship it just clearly shows that YOU have some growing to do.

My not so tender love story

During my first year of college I began to become more aware of astrology. Before this I was aware that I am a Taurus because my birthday in May. My former best friend was really good at astrology and because of this she sparked my interested in astrology. I used to read her books about astrology and descriptions of my birthdate. I do fit most of the descriptions of my sign. When I broke up with my most recent ex in September I remember just buying books in Barnes & Nobles on my credit card just to distract myself from the pain I had. One book I picked up was a small tiny book about Taurus. Within this small tiny book, you can fit it in any pocketbook it is so tiny, it describes the Taurus' personna, tendencies, and how they are in love. The book also broke down on how Taurus would be in intimate relationships with other signs. Reading from my former best friend's books it said my best match was a Virgo. This book said the same.

Now the situation with one of my friends, well is he my friend right now? I don't even know, made me refer to my book as soon as I found he was a Virgo. My long fingers scrambled through the tiny book's pages for the comparasions with my sign with a Virgo. I found it within seconds and there its read as

Taurus with Virgo

Harmonious in the extreme- A very tender love story.

I read it I was hm this may be a good thing. I will finally get my break after having a rough year and half. Not so. Whatever this story between my friend and I is everything but a tender love story. Ever since he told me about his ex every time I talk to him on the phone it seems I am crying about he just left me for seconds. He always brings up that I was second to my guy best friend, who I am not even friends with at this point, and I was basically second. It is true I did have him second. I didn't expect to like him , and I didn't want to like him, but I ended up doing so and it is leaving more miserable. I am miserable because he is giving her a second chance. That second chance leaves even our friendship on the line. If she is the jealous person he told me she was I know tonight will be last time I talk to him for a very long time. I started back class yesterday and as my friends asked me about how was my vacation I felt so happy explaining about him. I showed them his picture on my BlackBerry, I explained what things he has done to me, the nice things he said to me, how he took me home all the time. I told him all about that last night as I am sobbing my eyes out and coughing from the combination of crying and catching a cold. Before I went to sleep I read him that very same description and he was like I can make it a tender love story because I said with an attitude this does not sound like a love story its a love story my ass. Him saying that just caused me to snap back, but you aren't because you are going to go back with her and its just going to work out because that is how my luck works out. So tender love story. Not so. It doesn't seem like that right now, and it seems not ever. It just looks like I have to settle for whatever I get from now on. My heart tells me to wait and it is said that you should listen to you heart. I am starting to second guess that thought because it seems like I am going to hurt myself waiting, but good things come to those who wait. Love stories aren't tender. They are full of bitchassness. Just pure bitchassness.

Ask me if I give a ___ ? Apparently I do....

I am an avid tweeter (you know a person who uses twitter.) Everyday twitter has a trending topic on the sidebar that many of its uses tweets about. They take that trending topic and insert it into their tweet. For example one of the trending topics (which is the reason why I am writting this blog) is #askmeifIgiveafuck. A person who tweets using this trending topic will make a tweet like this:

#askmeifIgiveafuck about you.

So am I referring to you may ask? It would be my former best friend. Last year at this time I was still friends with her. I would have been at the time probably up talking to her on aim about a random conversation because that we two girls did. We always told each other we loved each other and we are sister and and friends forever. You know like when you are five years old in kindergarten and your best friend is the whole entire class. I met her my freshman year of college, and she was the white version of me, or so I would thought. It was around this time last year which began the beginning of the demise of our friendship. It was around this time last year I am remembering now is when her now boyfriend was constantly bugging me to get a date with her. This point last year truth be told is when my life began to enter the hell I am now trying to get out of now. Now this girl has done so much BAD for me. I have been told she is toxic and she needs to be cut off, but of course hippie who loves EVERYONE tried to keep her in my life. I fought so hard to make things right after our altercation. Everything was almost as where it was, but since she had her man in her life, who basically took over her life, I was just a little rag doll left in the cold. As year rolled on things got really bad and came to where we are no longer friends. So ask me if I give a fuck about you. My answer is yes. I loved that girl like she was my blood sister. I even admit I treated her better than my dear best friend madame Angeli Starr Martinez. I gave her my love, time, and effort to make sure I was the bestest friend she ever can have. I woke her up in the morning, I made sure she had her work, I even got her the MAN. I did so much for her, and for her to end our friendship by calling the cops on me and say that I did things that I never did is a slap to my face. Do I still give a fuck about her... YES. I still love her with all my heart. Every now and again I still ask people if she alright. This is the year where I begin to put a stop to useless loves like I have for her, but I don't know there is something in me that is not letting go. There is something inside of me that continues to say wait to do not give up. I just don't know why though. So ask me if I give a fuck about her. I say yes. She was my best friend and I have undying love. I know yippie go me... not!

"You don't have it as bad as you think you do"

"You don't have it as bad as you think you do."

That is what my sister-in-law told me the other when I called her in distress over the situation you guys have seen me blog about lately. She told me about a woman who lives in total misery and it seems like she cannot get out of it even if she tried. On Tuesday word broke out that there was a devastating earthquake in Port-au-Prince, Haiti during the late afternoon. When I heard this I imagined of how much people would be affected because it was rush hour and many people would be still be at work, on the way home, home, or in school. My family turned on CNN and we just kept hearing the reports of how it was a powerful earthquake, and how Port-au-Prince, which is the capital of Haiti was gone. Then we saw the pictures and it was mind blowing. Even the president of Haiti is homeless. I am no way Haitian, I am of Guyanese and Puerto Rican descent and I was born in NY, but I feel a close connection because my childhood friends are Haitian and my school has a strong Haitian community. I knew that I have known a lot of people who are of Haitian decent or are Haitian, but didn't realize how much I actually knew until this tragedy. I found myself asking so much people if they heard from family and if everyone is alright. On facebook I see the anguish in people's statuses as they haven't heard from their families as yet. A girl I went to high school, she is a high school senior now, should be enjoying her senior year, but she is too busy crying because her family hasn't heard anything from the family back in Haiti. As I am home enjoying this last few days before I start back classes I think twice about complaining about what I do not have in my life. I have so much and I must not dare complain. In Port-au-Prince so many people have lost their families, their homes, their way of life. So many Americans have lost loved ones who still lived their, or they loved ones just went to volunteer, because as we all know Haiti is the poorest nation in the Western Hemisphere. I look at the little babies in the orphanages in Haiti and I feel like adopting one, but of course I am broke college student with no job. This tragedy has made me think that a lot of the things I get anxious about and cause myself stress I clearly shouldn't. I shouldn't care what other people do sometimes. I shouldn't spend my life stressing over unnecessary things because who knows I am here today and gone tomorrow. Going back to the woman who I mentioned in the beginning of the blog. The woman reminded me of myself. She always wanted someone to love. She found him and seemed to cling onto him although he was no good for her. He mistreated her, and still does up to this day, and its like she is blind to even see it. I believe now she realizes, but now she is so trapped that she can't even begin to dig herself out. When things go wrong and you begin to panic and cry just remember that one phrase. You then begin to realize that you don't have it as bad as others and you should be grateful for what you have.

You are the man you said you aren't

I am sure ladies you have heard a man tell you "I am not like other men out there," or "I am different from other guys." You believe them at first and they prove themselves to their words. All of a sudden those words are lies. Eventually he becomes like ever other guy out there. It is rare to find a good man nowadays. Most of the men out there are assholes, jerks, and users. I have herd this a few times and I am only 20 years old. The last guy I was talking to told me that he was different from other guys out there. At first he was. He took me home and everything via public transport, but that glam did not last very long. He soon became like every other man out there. He isn't the man he said he wasn't. He now ignores my calls, my text messages, and my emails. I try to contact him and he doesn't answer me. How can you tell me you aren't that type of man when clearly you are. You picked your ex-girlfriend over me. Every time I say it you get upset. Is it because you realize you made a mistake? Is it because you realize you are going to enter a life of misery? You are going to be forced into marriage and children at an earlier age just because you wanted to finish of things with her. To be honest she doesn't deserve you. She cheated on YOU. She doesn't get along with your family. Yes you guys went through a lot, but you don't need that stress. Decisions were made and that is okay. It just shows you don't deserve ME. You are the very man you said you were not. Stupid inconsiderate jerk. I would like to be friends with you, but do me a favor..... grow up and face your problems. Thank You. All will be forgiven, but how can I forgive if you and I cannot even talk because you don't even answer me? I just don't understand people. I really don't.

What Really Grinds My Gears

This is why I am done with men until the day I day. I am done, done, done, done. I am pissed to the point my teeth are clenched that they hurt. How are you going to sit there and joke about how I have you emotionally and sexually when YOU picked YOUR ex over ME? Like really? You were all talking about how I made you happy and how beautiful and intelligent but yet you pick the bitch that cheated on you, the one who the family dislikes, and caused you so much issues? You made a joke and you clearly think I am going to be okay with it? Like wtf? As much you seem as the guy in my dreams there are so many wishes that want you back in my dreams and never escape them again. You have caused me such an emotional roller-coaster these past few weeks of the new year and I am clearly tired of you and you sweet bullshit ways. Like what the fuck? Why would you pick her over me? What is it? I am not as pretty as her, I am not as thick as her, I don't have a big ass or tits? I wanted to actually have a valentine this year because I haven't had one since I was about 16, but OH NO that dream is shot to fuckin hell because of you. I picked your ass over my bestie, and because I did I probably do not have a bestie anymore. Now he is mad at me because I showed him something his ex showed him. So that day I guess I will be doing school work. I hate you so much right and I hope you go to hell at least my hell so you know how I struggle with my damn life every damn day since 2009 rolled around. I am so sick of everything. Just everything. I regret picking you now cause you just made my life even more than a living hell than what it is already. So I just want to say THANK A FUCKING A LOT. I knew I shouldn't have had you entertain my thoughts, and that is what really grinds my gears.

"You're good to be true. Can't take my eyes off of you"

You are to good to be true as I laid in your arms watching the "Friday" series in your room. I had deemed 2010 to be my year. I finally thought I would get my break, and for once I can get what I want. I had planned previously I wasn't going to open my heart back up to the possibility of love or even getting to know a guy. At first I was nervous and every emotion came to me. I missed my ex, I wanted to try things with my bestie, I was scared, this was way to good to be true. I have realized that the emotions for my ex will probably be there for the rest of my life. I don't think I would ever get over my ex, but I can push him aside and just live my life. The next thing was to tackle my best friend issue. I spoke to him, and he told to go ahead to grab it because this was a good catch and you can't let it go. Did all of that, but of course story of my life he ended telling me about the ex girlfriend and ended up going back to her. I do not understand at all you tell I am perfect, you tell the family about me, you say I make you happy, you say I know you will be there, she cheated on you so she messed up not you, and all these things but then go back to her anyways? Like I understand you guys have been through a lot of stuff so you are more inclined to fix it, but I am sorry you cannot fix what is broken sometimes. It just doesn't work the same. You are definitely way to be good to be true for me at least because the guys I usually get are the assholes. Honestly you are starting to fit that category now too.

Sob Story

2010 for me already seems like a continuation from last year. One big sob party. Its like nowadays I find something that bothers me and I end up sobbing for at least a hour. Yesterday I was sobbing for hours upon end because a guy, yes a guy, who I thought was perfect told me there is someone else. No we weren't dating and no I wasn't looking for a guy to have a relationship with but he just fell into my lap. He seemed so promising and perfect. Perfect for me anyways. After meeting up with my guy bestie and spent an hour talking about what I should do I made up my mind and took his advice to take a chance on him because he just seemed to good to let go. Well my thoughts were right... it was too good to be true. He tells me that his ex was still in the picture and she has been asking him to try again so now he is stuck in between us. I held up for an hour and I just lost it. Everything I could have cried about I cried about. I cried about that situation, my ex, my guy bestie, you named it I mentioned it while I was sobbing. Now today I was supposed to meet with him after hanging with my hs crew and before I met up with my friends from school and he texts me saying he is sorry, but he has to see his ex but don't be disappointed. I am not supposed to be mad? Like what the hell you blew me off for someone who obviously doesn't deserve you because SHE messed up and not you. Whatever you are just as stupid as all the other guys out there. Go ahead and get back with her. You won't be happy and you will be dragged into having a family before you actually want one. Men are so stupid. I hope last night was the end of my sobbing cause I am quite tired of it and my eyes are too.

Happy New Years to me! Its 2010!!

So yes we are in 2010. Who could have believed that we would have made it this far. Well only two years left until the world is supposed to end.... yeah right. Well I started off my new years crying cause I lost and on the other side of Brooklyn. I ended up on the wrong Jefferson. Who knew that Brooklyn had TWO Jeffersons! Well eventually I made it to the right Jefferson and I had myself three drinks. I was drunk right away... yes I am lightweight I know this. I had my phone though. 2010 seems like a good year and I am praying it is!