One Week Later

One week later....
Last week things fell apart. I learned (of course the hard way amidst the warnings) that posting certain things online can get you in heap in trouble. I bought my journal from Barnes and Nobles to help me with my emotions when they are extreme. I did what I had to do. I repsonded to letters, blocked and deleted people, and I feel much better. I am not 100%. I am still hurting a bit. Accusations that I have never heard from people I have heard last week. I cried only a few tears. Thats it. I wanted to burn everything, but no no I am no pyrotechnic. I learned that putting my true feelings out there just makes you the ultimate bitch although you were being honest and truthful. I know I was wrong in certain aspects. I try to be a good friend. I really do. I try be there for people, and people who knows me can vouche for me. It just hurts that you can get shot down to hell for what you thought was a friendship, but it was a friendship shot down right to hell. Its whatever. I am missing the friendship less and less each day. There are moments I have a relapse and I think of what we would do. Its hard. The tears fill up my eyes and the lump comes, but yet the tears don't fall. I know this is for the better. I have to learn to ignore unsaid party at school within the next few weeks. Its going to be hard, but I'll do what I gotta do. I am not a perfect person, but I try be there for my friends whenever, whatever. (Haha Thanks Shakira)

PS On a side note I am learning how to sing Selena's song Fotos Y Recuerdos (Photos and Memories) in Spanish and English. I have the Spanish down pact except for one phrase, but singing the translation is hard!

If Had A Million dollars... Group Blog with Steph in the city

iF ifhad a billion dollars WHATTTT Oh man I would do so much you like:











i would save money for a house. Put money towards my degrees. Go to Ireland, Paris, London, and Haiwaii, and of course my cars!

Unchained Melody

Unchained Melody.. Yes I know it is a song from the '60's. Last night a chained of events happened. On facebook I posted a note. The directions said list 10 things that you want to tell people, but you haven't gotten to the chance to say. So of course people who knows my situation and have read my blogs knows some of the obvious answers I put up. I knew that I wanted only certain people to see it so I tagged people and did the blocking list accordingly so the people who were tagged can view the note. Originally I tagged the girl who you guys know I am talking about because I wanted her to see how I felt. On a friend's suggestion I untagged her. Now like an idiot I forgot to block her. SO of course guess what she saw it. I was most shocked that she actually stood up to me. Then again it was behind a computer screen, but she stood up to me. I respect her for that. She wrote a lengthy private message which angered me, hurt me, and of course saddened me. I was very upset that she felt that I was using her and took advantage of her- sidenote she read my blogs on here as well as my tweets I think. She listened to that friend who I really DO NOT LIKE. That she bought me things which were uncessary. That hurt me. That took the cake. Her bf had the nerve to call me an untrue friend. I have always tried to be there for her. Always. I know that I d0 not have much money so I repaid in my friendship. I STILL REMEMBER THE DAY SHE WAS HUNGRY. WE WERE IN GLOBAL ECO CLASS TOGTHER. I HAD A LITTLE MONEY. ON OUR BREAK FROM THE CLASS (it was 3 hrs) I STILL MANAGED TO GET SNACKS SO SHE WOULDN'T FEEL WEAK FROM HUNGER. OH THAT HURTS ME TO BE CALLED A MOOCHER. It hurts my pride as an independent person. You think I like being an invalid? Money makes people ugly. I am convinced now. Relationships change people. I saw my sweet best friend turn into a cold hearted monster. I know she reads this so I am limiting my words, but I am not going to swallow my words. My life has truly turned into a Degrassi episode. I was told I would be Emma. I like Emma :)

PS Look out for my next post: Spanking... Is it good or bad in disciplining children?

Dating- Outside of your race... Is it still taboo?

As everyone knows and has seen my boyfriend is white. He is Irish, hails from Ireland itself, and looks like the stereotypical Irish person - red/ginger hair, green eyes, and tons of freckles. I get teased by mom, lovingly, that I date a white guy. She always encouraged to date someone because I like them not because of my race. Nowadays dating out the race boundary is more accepted, but I still think it is taboo to some people. As everyone who knows me I am Black and Hispanic. My mom hails from Guyana and my dad hails from Puerto Rico. I have permanent tan complexion and I do have the common black nose and I have the nappy hair, but its permed. Whenever I am out with Rob on the subway going to the city I feel the stares penetrating my skin. Of course the stares come from the black guys who are sporting the doo-rag, latest fashion clothes, and sneakers, and their pants below their waist so you can see their boxers. I can tell that they are hating on my boyfriend because he is with me and he is white. To those black guys they believe that he is stealing the good black girls who aren't ghetto from them. I remember the day I had a brunch at school in Brooklyn because I was in the SGA for school last year. My boyfriend despises driving so we took the subway down to Bay Ridge. On our way back from the brunch guys were just looking at me and then him, black guys btw in the same description as before, and shaking their heads, or muttering damn, or muttering what they would do to me if they were with me. One guy congratulated my bf and said "You are lucky." He replied thanks and kept it moving.
What is even worse for me is when I tell my friends in my hood, who are black, that my boyfriend is white. My female friends tease me of course, but tell me as long as he treats you right you are good. My male friends however its a different story. They will always say: "Why are you dating a white boy for?" "White guys are so whack." "Why date him when you can be with me? Some nice chocolate." This is always followed by a laugh then them probably popping their collars or dusting their shoulders off because their "swag." I tell them its what attractive for me so don't feel bad. Then of course they will ask "So what about me how do I look?" I'll them they look aight and they get upset. I always have to tell them well you guys are like my family so I do not look at you in that aspect. They still get upset. Sometimes I feel I can never please guys in the black race. I think this is part of the reason why I ended dating Hispanic or White men. What takes the cake is when my cousin who is the same age as me found out that my boyfriend is white. He said the same thing my friends said. He even suggested me dating his best friends. I told him "Why would I do that? Those are your friends. If we break up then that is the end of your friendship too." He left me alone, but I feel like he is waiting for my boyfriend to slip up so he can say "I told you you should have dated a black guy."

One of my friends dates a black man. Her boyfriend is pretty cool, and I like him as cool peoples. Now this friend is of Irish/Italian descent, and he is of Bajan descent. Her boyfriend is well groomed, not ghetto, dresses nice, and is on the buff side. She was telling me whenever she goes out with him places the hoodrat/ghetto girls (the girls with the door knocker earrings, latest fashions, long nails, and horrible slang broken English) would stare not only her down, but stare him down as well. Those girls feel that they should date him because he is part of the 20% of refined black men and not part of the 80% ghetto men that treat black girls wrong.

20% refined black men, you ask? A study was done recently, where within the study, it was discussed why educated black women tend to date outside their race. As more black women are going onto earning college degrees and their masters in various fields they are looking for men who are on the same intellectual path as them. The men who they are surrounded by are white and asian men. Its rare to see a black or hispanic man on that intellectual path. Now I am not saying they don't show up in those intellectual at all. There are some, you just don't see as many minority males as you should be seeing.

So those black and Hispanic men are in the 20% of refined men in their race. The other 80% are in gangs, dropped out of college, ghetto, or in jail for a crime they have committed. Women wants a man that can provide for themselves and their families. Seeing those type guys for some women, or most women, are a turn off. They don't want a man who is basically a bum. Now going back to the educated black women. They of course will be turned off by ghetto men. They will want someone who can keep up with him in conversation and to make a living not someone living off welfare and not doing anything else with themselves. Also since these women are around the Asian and White men more they tend to dating and marrying them.
So you may ask now what is the hell is the point of this blog. My point is their is still a taboo of people dating outside their race. Yes it is accepted by most people nowadays, but they are still those believe that is such taboo. This holds true espeically in the Black race. They believe that Blacks shouldn't date outside their race, and thinks it is wrong for women and men to do so. Women espeically. Honestly women.. would you date a man who is on welfare and not trying to better himself, or a man who is educated like you are and can keep up with you. NOW I am not saying to look down on people who are on welfare. Some people need the help, but those men who are just taking the money and not trying to find a job or go to school not the type of men women are looking for. Some women are satisfied with these men, but not the majority.
What is your take on this topic?

Is Interracial Dating Still Taboo?

Losing Grip

"Why should I care
'Cuz you weren't there when I was scared
I was so alone
You, you need to listen
I'm starting to trip, I'm losing my grip
And I'm in this thing alone.." - Losing Grip by Avril Lavigne

This is how we felt when you deserted us. Your sis ( your sister from another mother) feels so abandoned and hurt. At a time when she needs you the most she is left to cry in her room wondering if you would even remembered her birthday. You known her for her whole life, from diapers, but yet you act like she never existed in your life. Another person who considered you like the little sister she never had wrote you a three page heartfelt letter, and you couldn't even respond. She de-frieneded you and sent you a message explaining herself. Yet you still couldn't answer her. I feel guilty because I have the only segway to get in contact with you. We share the fact of Chorus president. I am the current, and you were the past. The only other person who has a segway is the person who dated your bf last.. which was another close friend of yours. The only segway she has if its concerning your boyfriend. I know I sound so repetetive on this blog, but obviously its something that irks me. The lame excuse you gave me is "I was always inconsistent my whole life." That does not fly with me. I am not asking you to cater to my every need. I am not asking you for you to see me everyday. All I ask if we have some type of communication. Just let me know you are alive and healthy. Your boyfriend is just to blame because he should force you to see your friends. Keeping you to himself just shows how selfish he is. Yes I know this blog can get me in trouble with school and shit, but then again I am 20 years old and a junior in college. Stuff what is written on the internet which is not considered deformation of a person should not be questioned. Everyone has different views on this situation. I just know from my pov: Yes I forgave her, but I do not accept these behaviours. I really don't. You are almost 22 years old, and you still can't contact people? It seems like you contact people whenever you need them or something or when you are bored and have nothing else to do. Or like my friend says "seems like a personal problem." I have been also been warned not to place my opinions online because it can cause trouble. Last I checked the bill of rights allows me to have free speech. I just feel like I am going to get in trouble for writing this. If I do. Let me settle this in court because I will glady say what I gotta say. Throughout all of this I do slightly care for her. Sad to say. She probably doesn't even give two shits about me. She says she does, but I don't believe her. She made believe that I was crazy. That I belonged in Creedmore Hospital for the mentally sick. I told her this and she couldn't even say anything to that. Like what? "Open your eyes" like Avril sings and see what pain you have put people through. From not contacting people, from not answering people's letters, to not wishing people happy birthday, to telling the dean on what I did. I am sorry I care about YOUR education, and I am sorry I CARE about you. I need to be apathetic about you. That would make everything better.

Forgiveness is the new mistake?

For a person who grew up being taught that forgiveness is the right way to go is now hearing something new. That some people shouldn't be forgiven. I do agree with that. Some people aren't worth being forgiven because they will make you end up right back at square one. Yes I have began the forgiveness process in my situation. I figured I should because I do have another semester with her might as well. I still have things to confront her with. Imma catch her where she will be trapted and she can't run so she has to answer my questions that she left unanswered. So far I have been criticized and asked why I did what did. I stated my case but it looks like I mad a wrong choice. So here is my new question is forgivness the new mistake?