One more semester of College... Yayy?

On Tuesday I finished my 7th semester of college. I am pleased with my grades, but I am still stressing. I need a 2.7 to student teach and because of my rocky first year I am basically a hundredth away. It okay though. I know within my bones and with God's will I will student teach in February. I am very proud of myself that I did come this far. There are still so many people my age who have not even step foot in college. Here I am 21 years old, about to get a degree. I am not strung out on drugs or have a drinking problem. I do not have a child out of wedlock. I can say I did well. The adventure of life after college is still a mystery. I know the basics. Apply to grad school, and also the DOE to get a teaching job in the NYC Public Schools. It is crazy how 10 years ago I used to say I would go to college and now I am almost done. Life happens when you are having fun!

Holdin You Down (Goin in Circles)/Changes

Why is it me and this guy always get at odds at around the same time each year. I have been searching emails, since I do not have my laptop at the moment, and from 2008 we always had an issue around this time of year. I do not get it. It seems like it would never fail. We both have grown from those cute 15 year olds- we are both 21. From past messages I found how both romanticized about having a relationship. We finally had one and it ended terribly because my high levels of stress. I admit it this time it was my fault. He always finds a way to push me away. Always. I always find a way to forgive him. Always. So tell me this.. why is it we always have a rock relationship nowadays? We are always off and on. There can be months we talk to each other and months when we don't speak a word to each other. Yet beyond all the bickering and all that nonsense we love each other. I cry every time I miss him. I guess its my way of coping from my mistake. I love him with all my heart. Yes you may say I am 21 and I am too young to know how that feels, but I think my tears are enough. I know in my heart we will make up back again, but until then I am left to sweep up the pieces...  once again

Too much red meat... bad for you?

I have noticed right before I start menstruation these past few months I have had the craving for burgers. The last time I had a physical done I did have blood work done and it showed that I am not anemic. I did learn that when a person has such a craving for meat like I do it is because the body is probably low on iron. I did try iron pills, but nothing is as good a juicy burger.. well done of course. There are the studies that say that too much red meat is not good for you. Well too much of anything is not good for you. My thing is if I only have these indulgence once every month is it still bad for me?

Little Patty Cakes is growing up *part 1*

Here is my last summer of undergrad. I cannot believe it. I remembered talking about college when I was younger, and now I am almost finished. This year is gonna be crazy and I already feel it. Its only August! I always knew I would make it this far in life, but I cannot believe that it happened so quick. I am truly excited to finally get my degree, but at the same time I am not ready for the "grown up" things.

What I have been told

I have been told many a things.  I have been told that I look like I am ready to commit suicide with the style of some of my blogs and my tweets. What people don't realize I hold a lot of my true emotions in. They come out on my twitter or my blogspot because they are venting space. Now what do you rather? Me jumping off a bridge, or me sounding type emo online.? I know I am a dramatist and I make things worst than what it is, but its just how I am. Now if you have a problem with it then unfollow me or don't read my blogs.

Men. The anguish they give me.

People who are close to me know that I am always complaining or whining about men all the time. Everyone has their opinions about men. What is my opinion you may ask? All men are the same. They all think the same, and act the same. They are selfish and only thinks about themselves. I know that they all aren't the same, but the men I have been dealing with have fed into my opinion. Many have said to me to change the type of men that I look into. I have tried. Trust me I have, but somehow I always end up in the same trap. My resentment for men has gotten so bad nowadays that last week I continually cursed all my male friends, and took a trip up to Westchester where I walked through a couple towns via the Bronx. My best friend thinks I have a build up of resentment because I am not fully over my ex. I still to this day wear the chain he got me from Ireland one year ago this summer. My soror sister told me to get rid of it when we were hanging out Saturday, but I cannot part with the chain yet. The only time I take it off is if I am going some where fancy, or I am going to the hairdresser. Everyone who knows me or have seen me in pictures knows how the chain looks like. My ex fed into my opinion this weekend. He drunks texts me saying how he misses me, and the next day when I offered to hang out he refuses to hang out with me thinking it is best. My sis thinks he upset at himself for breaking up with me, but honestly he could have stayed with me because I remember begging to work it out with him. At my young age of 21 I am constantly either either very ecstatic when it comes to men or depressed to the point I just wanna walk very far as far as I can. I know I am young and I have virtually a lot of my life left in front of me, but I seriously feel pressured by my family. Right now as much as I envision myself in a wedding dress and the whole nine yards I feel honestly that isn't going happen.

I'm Back

Its been awhile since I have posted anything. I am alive and well, and will start posting again soon.

Spring Break 2010

Spring break is here! What are my plans for this break?!

• Clean my room most definitely
• Chill with my sisters :) 
• Dance practice at school 
• Take my Goddaughter for a few days
• Attempt to do some thesis work 

Those are my plans for now. Will be back later

Greek Life

This is semester I joined the school sorority Beta Upsilon Delta. It was the best decision I have ever made in my life. I am part of the Upsilon class of the sorority and I crossed with nine beautiful awesome ladies who I love so much. Here are the basic facts for my name and bigs....

 My sister name is Alannah. Alannah was chosen for me based for my love on Ireland. It is a Gaelic name meaning my child and beautiful. During pledging I always would go to my bigs for reassurance and guidance which made them like my parents. I am beautiful because I have overcame a lot of obstacles in my life. I never let negativity stop me from achieving my goals. I am beautiful inside and out.

Bigs: As every greek life organization I have a big sister. Correction I have two big sisters: Harley and Lady. Originally I had just Lady, but Harley was given to me at a later date. Looking back on the family tree I appear to be only the person with two bigs. I love my big sisters so much because they, along with with my line sisters, helped me through pledging.

That is it for now, I am pretty sure I will be writing about sorority events pretty soon. First event: Pinwheel Campaign :)

Arresting children over nonsense

So I was in class today in the library when the teacher was teaching us how to cite an internet link. She had us go on CNN.com and that is where i found the article. A 12 yr old girl from Forest Hills, Queens, NY was just simply doodling on her desk during class saying that she loved her friends. Nothing profane or explicit. The teacher saw this and had the cops come into the classroom and handcuff her in front of her classmates and escorted out of class. As many may know in New York City the public schools have school police officers stationed  in some part of the school. The police is there to help keep crowd control and behavior problems in the schools. But going back to this story. I thought it was crazy just to arrest a child for doodling on a desk. I remember when I went to grammar school (which wasn't so long ago) if a student wrote on the desk they simply got reprimanded and then was made to clean off the desk with water and soap. Nowadays students get arrested for that. In the article her mother explains that she was suspended for three days and the girl spent those days vomiting from the anxiety of getting trouble. This girl never got in trouble before this incident. Arresting children seems to be the new trend and it is happening more frequently that you can imagine. Children across the United States have getting arrested over silly things like this and I think it is ridiculous. Whatever happened to students just simply getting reprimanded by the teacher or the principal and maybe getting a punish assignment. I think those days are gone.... now its off to jail.....

To read more please read this article

Girl's Arrest for Doodling Raises Concerns for Zero Tolerance

I definitely need a car

So I have my permit. I had my permit since I was 18 years old. I am nearly 21 and I STILL don't have my license. Although I do live in the Big Apple, my neck of the woods sucks with it comes to public transport. All we have is one subway, one commuter train, and then some buses that do not run all night. Some of you may be asking why are you complaining? You have something! But you guys do not understand. It always takes long to get home when I am out in Brooklyn. I am ALWAYS in Brooklyn. All my friends are there and I go to school there. I rather prefer to live in Brooklyn, but right now I don't have that choice because I am an unemployed broke college student. Granted I graduate next year so I do not have more to go, but before the summer of 2010 is over I need my license. It would be so much  better for me. I can go home when I want, and I wouldn't have to beg people for rides... which by the way.... I hate doing.

Updates 2.2.210/ 2.3.2010

• Told my moderator I would be the hairstylist for the musical. 
• The president of the club, didn't make the play. I think its messed up, but what can I say. 
• Thesis class was the longest class of my life. 
• My feet are still on fire from the morning tap class. 

Updates 2.1.2010

• Didn't make the musical, but received a personal email from my moderator saying I had a strong audition and would like me to be involved in the production. This sounds like I may be an understudy.
• Wrote my thesis proposal and will be handed in tomorrow 
• This is it for now. Happy February! 

This past week

Where have I been this past week? SCHOOL! Since school has started school has once again become my life. My thesis classes are so heavy. I have a professor who seems not to help us at all which it totally frustrating. I am like sir you are here to help us formulate and learn how to write a thesis, but you aren't doing any of that. Instead he just tells us figure out, or I can't help you, or find it yourself. This week I had my first Holocaust class since it is a once a week three hour class. I found out my professor who teaches us that class does the same thesis classes out on the Patchogue campus. I was brave enough to ask him in class. I am sure people's eyes almost came out the sockets when I asked, but he seems so much nicer and easier to approach than my current professor. I tried out for the school musical this week. This semester we are producing the 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee. I was on the fence for trying out, and Wednesday evening I did. At that point I was telling myself if I don't make then I wouldn't be upset because I have sorority stuff this semester as well as my thesis classes to occupy me and oh yes as well as dance and chorus. Then as I did the character portion of the tryouts I tried out as this girl who has a lisp and I fell in love with her. I got called back yesterday to tryout again. I certainly was not expecting to get a call back at all. I also participated in Rush Week. I am very nervous of trying to attempt everything and excel in everything. I will try write on here periodically so you guys can know I am alive, but before I go please wish me luck because this semester is the HELL semester.

I am a Venter

I use my blogspot mainly to vent. People take it the wrong way and think I am trying to malicious towards them, but I am really not. I use this space to pour my raw emotions so I can rid them in a safe way and I do not cause physical harm to myself. I have tried regular journals, but I am never really good at using them so this is what I use. I do have a private blog, but I tend to use this one better. I do post my blogs on twitter because I do want people to see what I write, but I am also seeking advice. Every now again I do write a blog about random things, but it is mainly about my emotions that I feel at that present time. Just because I write a blog and you just happen to fit the description of the blog does not mean that I am trying to disrespect you or make you sound like a bad person in any manner. I was probably most likely upset at the time and I wrote in my blog because it was the closet thing to me where I can lay out my emotions. I do not appreciate people seeing my blogs and then crying about what I said about them. If you truly have an issue about a blog that I have written you call me or you arrange a meeting spot we can meet up and we can talk about like adults. I know people say that putting my business out there on twitter and on here is the childish thing to do, but to be honest it is the best thing for me. I rather rant on here and or twitter than go and hurt someone physically. Now the person who I have been blogging about, yes I am making it obvious now because I am THAT ANGRY, texted me this morning about the stuff I have placed on twitter and what I have done on here. Yesterday on twitter I was not angry I was just emotionally confused... what I placed on here I was upset with him at the time and I vented on my blogger. I would like you guys to know after I placed those blogs up we cleared things up and we were on an okay note. Now he saw all the blogs and basically complained about what I said about him and now he is saying that his feelings has changed for me. All I want to be known is I was just upset when I wrote those blogs. I simply poured my feelings on here because its a good release skill for me and it works. I still liked you because those bad qualities were out-shined by the good. But seriously grow the HELL UP. I may post shit on here, but I am still willing to say what I gotta say to you and explain myself. I am not like you where you just send mad text messages and expect to cut off whatever you felt for me in that instant. Things do not happen that way and you clearly need to man up. Yeah you aren't for me right now because clearly you have some growing up to do and you are simply not up to my maturity level yet. I know I am not all that mature myself either, but when I have a problem or an issue with someone I try combatting it by talking to them. Talking clears up everything. If you are the man you said you are then you will take some days to think about it and then you will contact me. If you aren't the man you say you are you should just cut me off, do things with your ex, and then come back to me when shit hits the fan. I am willing to be your friend and talk things out, but if you want to shut off every bit of feeling you have towards me even friendship it just clearly shows that YOU have some growing to do.

My not so tender love story

During my first year of college I began to become more aware of astrology. Before this I was aware that I am a Taurus because my birthday in May. My former best friend was really good at astrology and because of this she sparked my interested in astrology. I used to read her books about astrology and descriptions of my birthdate. I do fit most of the descriptions of my sign. When I broke up with my most recent ex in September I remember just buying books in Barnes & Nobles on my credit card just to distract myself from the pain I had. One book I picked up was a small tiny book about Taurus. Within this small tiny book, you can fit it in any pocketbook it is so tiny, it describes the Taurus' personna, tendencies, and how they are in love. The book also broke down on how Taurus would be in intimate relationships with other signs. Reading from my former best friend's books it said my best match was a Virgo. This book said the same.

Now the situation with one of my friends, well is he my friend right now? I don't even know, made me refer to my book as soon as I found he was a Virgo. My long fingers scrambled through the tiny book's pages for the comparasions with my sign with a Virgo. I found it within seconds and there its read as

Taurus with Virgo

Harmonious in the extreme- A very tender love story.

I read it I was hm this may be a good thing. I will finally get my break after having a rough year and half. Not so. Whatever this story between my friend and I is everything but a tender love story. Ever since he told me about his ex every time I talk to him on the phone it seems I am crying about he just left me for seconds. He always brings up that I was second to my guy best friend, who I am not even friends with at this point, and I was basically second. It is true I did have him second. I didn't expect to like him , and I didn't want to like him, but I ended up doing so and it is leaving more miserable. I am miserable because he is giving her a second chance. That second chance leaves even our friendship on the line. If she is the jealous person he told me she was I know tonight will be last time I talk to him for a very long time. I started back class yesterday and as my friends asked me about how was my vacation I felt so happy explaining about him. I showed them his picture on my BlackBerry, I explained what things he has done to me, the nice things he said to me, how he took me home all the time. I told him all about that last night as I am sobbing my eyes out and coughing from the combination of crying and catching a cold. Before I went to sleep I read him that very same description and he was like I can make it a tender love story because I said with an attitude this does not sound like a love story its a love story my ass. Him saying that just caused me to snap back, but you aren't because you are going to go back with her and its just going to work out because that is how my luck works out. So tender love story. Not so. It doesn't seem like that right now, and it seems not ever. It just looks like I have to settle for whatever I get from now on. My heart tells me to wait and it is said that you should listen to you heart. I am starting to second guess that thought because it seems like I am going to hurt myself waiting, but good things come to those who wait. Love stories aren't tender. They are full of bitchassness. Just pure bitchassness.

Ask me if I give a ___ ? Apparently I do....

I am an avid tweeter (you know a person who uses twitter.) Everyday twitter has a trending topic on the sidebar that many of its uses tweets about. They take that trending topic and insert it into their tweet. For example one of the trending topics (which is the reason why I am writting this blog) is #askmeifIgiveafuck. A person who tweets using this trending topic will make a tweet like this:

#askmeifIgiveafuck about you.

So am I referring to you may ask? It would be my former best friend. Last year at this time I was still friends with her. I would have been at the time probably up talking to her on aim about a random conversation because that we two girls did. We always told each other we loved each other and we are sister and and friends forever. You know like when you are five years old in kindergarten and your best friend is the whole entire class. I met her my freshman year of college, and she was the white version of me, or so I would thought. It was around this time last year which began the beginning of the demise of our friendship. It was around this time last year I am remembering now is when her now boyfriend was constantly bugging me to get a date with her. This point last year truth be told is when my life began to enter the hell I am now trying to get out of now. Now this girl has done so much BAD for me. I have been told she is toxic and she needs to be cut off, but of course hippie who loves EVERYONE tried to keep her in my life. I fought so hard to make things right after our altercation. Everything was almost as where it was, but since she had her man in her life, who basically took over her life, I was just a little rag doll left in the cold. As year rolled on things got really bad and came to where we are no longer friends. So ask me if I give a fuck about you. My answer is yes. I loved that girl like she was my blood sister. I even admit I treated her better than my dear best friend madame Angeli Starr Martinez. I gave her my love, time, and effort to make sure I was the bestest friend she ever can have. I woke her up in the morning, I made sure she had her work, I even got her the MAN. I did so much for her, and for her to end our friendship by calling the cops on me and say that I did things that I never did is a slap to my face. Do I still give a fuck about her... YES. I still love her with all my heart. Every now and again I still ask people if she alright. This is the year where I begin to put a stop to useless loves like I have for her, but I don't know there is something in me that is not letting go. There is something inside of me that continues to say wait to do not give up. I just don't know why though. So ask me if I give a fuck about her. I say yes. She was my best friend and I have undying love. I know yippie go me... not!

"You don't have it as bad as you think you do"

"You don't have it as bad as you think you do."

That is what my sister-in-law told me the other when I called her in distress over the situation you guys have seen me blog about lately. She told me about a woman who lives in total misery and it seems like she cannot get out of it even if she tried. On Tuesday word broke out that there was a devastating earthquake in Port-au-Prince, Haiti during the late afternoon. When I heard this I imagined of how much people would be affected because it was rush hour and many people would be still be at work, on the way home, home, or in school. My family turned on CNN and we just kept hearing the reports of how it was a powerful earthquake, and how Port-au-Prince, which is the capital of Haiti was gone. Then we saw the pictures and it was mind blowing. Even the president of Haiti is homeless. I am no way Haitian, I am of Guyanese and Puerto Rican descent and I was born in NY, but I feel a close connection because my childhood friends are Haitian and my school has a strong Haitian community. I knew that I have known a lot of people who are of Haitian decent or are Haitian, but didn't realize how much I actually knew until this tragedy. I found myself asking so much people if they heard from family and if everyone is alright. On facebook I see the anguish in people's statuses as they haven't heard from their families as yet. A girl I went to high school, she is a high school senior now, should be enjoying her senior year, but she is too busy crying because her family hasn't heard anything from the family back in Haiti. As I am home enjoying this last few days before I start back classes I think twice about complaining about what I do not have in my life. I have so much and I must not dare complain. In Port-au-Prince so many people have lost their families, their homes, their way of life. So many Americans have lost loved ones who still lived their, or they loved ones just went to volunteer, because as we all know Haiti is the poorest nation in the Western Hemisphere. I look at the little babies in the orphanages in Haiti and I feel like adopting one, but of course I am broke college student with no job. This tragedy has made me think that a lot of the things I get anxious about and cause myself stress I clearly shouldn't. I shouldn't care what other people do sometimes. I shouldn't spend my life stressing over unnecessary things because who knows I am here today and gone tomorrow. Going back to the woman who I mentioned in the beginning of the blog. The woman reminded me of myself. She always wanted someone to love. She found him and seemed to cling onto him although he was no good for her. He mistreated her, and still does up to this day, and its like she is blind to even see it. I believe now she realizes, but now she is so trapped that she can't even begin to dig herself out. When things go wrong and you begin to panic and cry just remember that one phrase. You then begin to realize that you don't have it as bad as others and you should be grateful for what you have.

You are the man you said you aren't

I am sure ladies you have heard a man tell you "I am not like other men out there," or "I am different from other guys." You believe them at first and they prove themselves to their words. All of a sudden those words are lies. Eventually he becomes like ever other guy out there. It is rare to find a good man nowadays. Most of the men out there are assholes, jerks, and users. I have herd this a few times and I am only 20 years old. The last guy I was talking to told me that he was different from other guys out there. At first he was. He took me home and everything via public transport, but that glam did not last very long. He soon became like every other man out there. He isn't the man he said he wasn't. He now ignores my calls, my text messages, and my emails. I try to contact him and he doesn't answer me. How can you tell me you aren't that type of man when clearly you are. You picked your ex-girlfriend over me. Every time I say it you get upset. Is it because you realize you made a mistake? Is it because you realize you are going to enter a life of misery? You are going to be forced into marriage and children at an earlier age just because you wanted to finish of things with her. To be honest she doesn't deserve you. She cheated on YOU. She doesn't get along with your family. Yes you guys went through a lot, but you don't need that stress. Decisions were made and that is okay. It just shows you don't deserve ME. You are the very man you said you were not. Stupid inconsiderate jerk. I would like to be friends with you, but do me a favor..... grow up and face your problems. Thank You. All will be forgiven, but how can I forgive if you and I cannot even talk because you don't even answer me? I just don't understand people. I really don't.

What Really Grinds My Gears

This is why I am done with men until the day I day. I am done, done, done, done. I am pissed to the point my teeth are clenched that they hurt. How are you going to sit there and joke about how I have you emotionally and sexually when YOU picked YOUR ex over ME? Like really? You were all talking about how I made you happy and how beautiful and intelligent but yet you pick the bitch that cheated on you, the one who the family dislikes, and caused you so much issues? You made a joke and you clearly think I am going to be okay with it? Like wtf? As much you seem as the guy in my dreams there are so many wishes that want you back in my dreams and never escape them again. You have caused me such an emotional roller-coaster these past few weeks of the new year and I am clearly tired of you and you sweet bullshit ways. Like what the fuck? Why would you pick her over me? What is it? I am not as pretty as her, I am not as thick as her, I don't have a big ass or tits? I wanted to actually have a valentine this year because I haven't had one since I was about 16, but OH NO that dream is shot to fuckin hell because of you. I picked your ass over my bestie, and because I did I probably do not have a bestie anymore. Now he is mad at me because I showed him something his ex showed him. So that day I guess I will be doing school work. I hate you so much right and I hope you go to hell at least my hell so you know how I struggle with my damn life every damn day since 2009 rolled around. I am so sick of everything. Just everything. I regret picking you now cause you just made my life even more than a living hell than what it is already. So I just want to say THANK A FUCKING A LOT. I knew I shouldn't have had you entertain my thoughts, and that is what really grinds my gears.

"You're good to be true. Can't take my eyes off of you"

You are to good to be true as I laid in your arms watching the "Friday" series in your room. I had deemed 2010 to be my year. I finally thought I would get my break, and for once I can get what I want. I had planned previously I wasn't going to open my heart back up to the possibility of love or even getting to know a guy. At first I was nervous and every emotion came to me. I missed my ex, I wanted to try things with my bestie, I was scared, this was way to good to be true. I have realized that the emotions for my ex will probably be there for the rest of my life. I don't think I would ever get over my ex, but I can push him aside and just live my life. The next thing was to tackle my best friend issue. I spoke to him, and he told to go ahead to grab it because this was a good catch and you can't let it go. Did all of that, but of course story of my life he ended telling me about the ex girlfriend and ended up going back to her. I do not understand at all you tell I am perfect, you tell the family about me, you say I make you happy, you say I know you will be there, she cheated on you so she messed up not you, and all these things but then go back to her anyways? Like I understand you guys have been through a lot of stuff so you are more inclined to fix it, but I am sorry you cannot fix what is broken sometimes. It just doesn't work the same. You are definitely way to be good to be true for me at least because the guys I usually get are the assholes. Honestly you are starting to fit that category now too.

Sob Story

2010 for me already seems like a continuation from last year. One big sob party. Its like nowadays I find something that bothers me and I end up sobbing for at least a hour. Yesterday I was sobbing for hours upon end because a guy, yes a guy, who I thought was perfect told me there is someone else. No we weren't dating and no I wasn't looking for a guy to have a relationship with but he just fell into my lap. He seemed so promising and perfect. Perfect for me anyways. After meeting up with my guy bestie and spent an hour talking about what I should do I made up my mind and took his advice to take a chance on him because he just seemed to good to let go. Well my thoughts were right... it was too good to be true. He tells me that his ex was still in the picture and she has been asking him to try again so now he is stuck in between us. I held up for an hour and I just lost it. Everything I could have cried about I cried about. I cried about that situation, my ex, my guy bestie, you named it I mentioned it while I was sobbing. Now today I was supposed to meet with him after hanging with my hs crew and before I met up with my friends from school and he texts me saying he is sorry, but he has to see his ex but don't be disappointed. I am not supposed to be mad? Like what the hell you blew me off for someone who obviously doesn't deserve you because SHE messed up and not you. Whatever you are just as stupid as all the other guys out there. Go ahead and get back with her. You won't be happy and you will be dragged into having a family before you actually want one. Men are so stupid. I hope last night was the end of my sobbing cause I am quite tired of it and my eyes are too.

Happy New Years to me! Its 2010!!

So yes we are in 2010. Who could have believed that we would have made it this far. Well only two years left until the world is supposed to end.... yeah right. Well I started off my new years crying cause I lost and on the other side of Brooklyn. I ended up on the wrong Jefferson. Who knew that Brooklyn had TWO Jeffersons! Well eventually I made it to the right Jefferson and I had myself three drinks. I was drunk right away... yes I am lightweight I know this. I had my phone though. 2010 seems like a good year and I am praying it is!